Failing means things can only get better from here.

Yesterday a couple friends and I decided to do blog challenge for the month of June. Nothin' too difficult, just post something every day. But as my dear friend Matt pointed out to me on the internet chats today, I already fell behind. I just plumb forgot, honestly. Blogging is not something I've been in the habit of doing -- it's a miracle I even keep up with my favorites on my Reader. Anyway, after confessing my failure to Delaney, my other cohort in this little challenge, we changed the rules -- now it's 30 posts in 30 days.

Aaaaaand I'm back in the game! I'll try and keep each post focused so it's less of an 'I ate pizza for lunch' kinda thing (even though I did -- two pieces). Today I'd like to write about Anxiety (that's right, with a big A).

Basically, I have it, and it sucks.

Over the long weekend, I read the first chapter of a book called Stumbling on Happiness, by Daniel Gilbert. A friend had passed it along to me, and I had just finished reading The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin for book club, so it felt like something I could get into. I'm not sure I'll finish it, but I was intrigued by Gilbert's thoughts on anxiety. He writes about how thinking about and planning for the future is unique to humans (making the argument that even though squirrels appear to be thinking about the future when they stock up on acorns, they aren't thinking about it, they're just doing it). Anxiety is something we develop as adults, I suppose as we start to conceive what 'future' means and how our decisions affect it. He goes on to explain how doctors came to understand the frontal lobe of the brain and developed a surgery to remove the frontal lobe as a way to help psychiatric patients. Basically, removing the frontal lobe causes the patient to lose the ability to conceptualize the future. Trying to wrap your brain around 'tomorrow' is about as difficult as trying to make sense of a light year, or infinity. It's just a term that doesn't hold much meaning.

When I read that, I thought, "Wow, that actually sounds pretty nice."

That's crazy talk, I know. It was a fleeting thought, but I thought it. And then I realized just how much my anxiety holds me back. I can't just live in the moment, forget about The List of Things I Have To Do And Never Ends, and enjoy myself. My anxiety has always been a part of who I am, but I'm sensing it's worse these days. Neil tells me I'm too serious. I've lost my sense of humor. I sat by different people at the office recently and got asked if I was okay, just because of the sour expression I wear on my face when I'm working. I'm not unhappy, but I am anxious and wound too damn tight.

Of course now that I've recognized something's up, I'm spending energy thinking about how I'm going to cope with it. Massage, Acupuncture, Hypnosis, and straight up counseling are all up for consideration. Or maybe I just need a really kick-ass summer. One filled with lazy weekends in the backyard, nighttime baseball games and lots of swimming.